Government Denies the Existence of Mermaids

Despite the overwhelming evidence on display last week in Coney Island, the U.S. government still denies the existence of mermaids or, indeed, any "aquatic humanoids."

Are mermaids real? Not according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

"No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found. Why, then, do they occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples? That’s a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists," NOAA said. In other words, a clown question, according to the government.

But then again, NOAA has lied to us before - remember the Department of Interior-sponsored smash hit, the Day After Tomorrow? Massive flooding, followed by a cold snap that traps the Statue of Liberty in a freshly-made glacier - this was supposed to happen the day after the day after May 17, 2004. Global warming was just a scam to get me to buy a $11.75 ticket!

But this raises the question of what other majestic creatures whose existence the government will try to hide from us - unicorns? Bigfoot? Your move, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.